dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
When a shoelace touches your ankle
hmmm
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Had an epiphany today.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.