Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”