[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
j o i m p
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
This 4th of July, please remember…
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one