This 4th of July, please remember…
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay