If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Fluff me with a fork baby
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.