has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”