why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.