Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
im all 3
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.