[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.