According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”