If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”