Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
![]()
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The Assassin.
![]()
Noah was an idiot.
![]()
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.