Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”