I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?