Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.