The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
No way!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Everyone’s family
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports