I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?