No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.