So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You Might Also Like
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”