Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.