Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*cough*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.