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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.