My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Holy moly
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy