My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You Might Also Like
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.