My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When they try to steal your moment.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Worst bar ever.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.