Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
When someone trying to leave me
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby