[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
oh you like architecture? name three walls
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.