[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
You Might Also Like
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart
My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Spider-cat: No One Home
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9