Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“The Perfect Relationship”