Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
True freaking story!
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Real House Wines.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
This is a whole mood;
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.