Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
man: wait
time: no
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him