At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.