* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
🚲+physics = winner
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife