Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
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It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
a badder mouse
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.