When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom