I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.