Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.