Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.