[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
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[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old