ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.