Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
😂😂😂
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.