Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
the three branches of government
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.