I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.