“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.