Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
This is always good for a laugh.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
🤣could you imagine
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Okay
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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