“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
You Might Also Like
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Not today, today.
Not today.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.