TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??