Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Best misinterpreted text ever!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.