No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.