*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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