When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot