When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.